Ben Brown, Internet Rockstar Feverish Velocity

How To Make A Bagel

It is universally acknowledged that it is difficult to find a good bagel, unless you live in New York, where people think that good bagels grow on trees. Those of us outside of Manhattan know that when you find a place that knows how to make and serve a good bagel, you honor and respect that place like the rare treasure it is.

One of the main problems is that even cafes that stock or create bagels of a consistently good quality frequently do not know how to properly serve a bagel. My two biggest pet peeves are when the bagel is cut in half like a sandwich (thus creating 2 semi-circle halves) , and when cream cheese is served as a pre-sliced rectangle instead of as a fresh spreading of deliciousness. These things are especially egregious when combined. Applying a wedge of preformed cream cheese to a bagel before hacking it into pieces totally defeats the point of eating a bagel, which, for the record, is to eat open-faced piece of boiled round bread with a giant wad of creamy deliciousness on it, to revel in that experience, and then to immediately repeat with the other half.

Here, then, is the ONLY officially sanctioned method for preparing a bagel the Ben Brown way:

• Slice the bagel in half length wise through the hole. Once the cut is made, these halves should be treated as SEPARATE but EQUAL items, and should not be further subdivided until ingested.
• Toast both sides equally, being careful not to dislodge any seeds or other seasoning.
• Spread a godly amount of cream cheese on the top half, preferably with a cream cheese spreading tool.
• Also, spread a godly amount of cream cheese on the bottom half, using the above referenced cream cheese spreading tool.
• Place top half and bottom half next to one another on a plate. CAUTION: Do not mistakenly place the top half on top of the bottom half. This is a common mistake made by non-Jews.
• Optionally, apply vegetables or other toppings. These can be applied to each side of your bagel differently if you so choose.

And then, once you have prepared your bagel, you can:

• Enjoy a tasty bagel.
• Enjoy a second tasty bagel.

Footnote: It is ok to slice a bagel like a sandwich if it is indeed a sandwich, as is frequently the case with egg-based breakfast sandwiches.

Most of these things aren’t bagels! If they’re not boiled, it’s not a bagel.

If you ask where to find bagels in Germany, they laugh at you and goose-step away. However, the croissants there are better than anything, ANYTHING calling itself a croissant on this side o’ the pond.

Just saying…

i was very happy to see your post, as i’d been ready to lament the poorly made bagel i found myself eating the other day. i find that often there is a miscalculation on the part of the cream cheese to bagel ratio.
however, i may print this post and bring it with me to the place where i have purchased bagels previously as a hint to get with the ben brown method of bagel fixing.